These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
felt that
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family