You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Flock of bats
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.