Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Lmaoo 😂
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.