[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent