I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.