Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
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is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
You learn something every day
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.