Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
pizza
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.