wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests