I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.