Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
nobody’s gonna understand
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Called it
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.