Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
RT if you could go either way.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Speak now or ever hold your peace
*launders Kohls cash*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.