I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!