Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Vodka burrito was a success
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.