What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“i miss shittin on people”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
😂💯
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
As the Lord intended