Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
dutch is not a serious language
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died