today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
You Might Also Like
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Guantanamo Bae
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Breaking news:
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations