I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Ok but actually
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?