Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My ideal weight is five million dollars
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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