17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up