Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”