[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Pot warmers of the day.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.