I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
This is enough internet for the day.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.