[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’