If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
(Musicians.)
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.