“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Just say no
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]