[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
You Might Also Like
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived