I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
What is going on? 😅
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.