Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
man i love columbo
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Knock Knock
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”