Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
greetings!
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
wtf is a larm clock?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Not all heroes wear capes….
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.