I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The point of your 20s
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
How dude HOW?!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct