Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.