the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The game has officially changed 😎
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Deer are just ballerina dogs