I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*