we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad