Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I already tried new things thanks.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I am HOWLING at this
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.