Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Previously On Persistence 😎
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
These 3D printers are insane!