Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now