The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
broke down and did it
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Home is where your toilet is.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on