Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.