Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !