I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive