I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
This one’s “Alex”.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
This could be us… but you playing
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy