What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
only 11 steps left
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you