nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
doing your own taxes
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.