[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!