You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.