Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
SCARY COSTUME
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Spell check is for lasers.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen