[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.