Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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Ah yes. The three genders
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My typo game is string.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home