The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
be careful
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest